Nick Punto 2016 Presidential CampaignEdit
According to PuntoForPresident, Nicholas Punto should be viewed as a serious candidate for the 2016 Republican nomination. Since he displays maximum effort in unnecessary situations, he would be perfect for returning America to being a military superpower. He is a well-rounded person and a shining example of standing for equality, as he hits from both sides of the plate, plays many different positions and has lent his talents to over half a dozen teams. He can relate to the bottom tier of the working class that has to do dirty jobs, since his jersey is always dirty. And he does not let discussion about him be dictated by facts, but rather emotion and heart (like sacrificing his body by sliding into first base for the good of the team).
"Gentlemen, ladies, dranks, goats, and other solids and liquids,
The age of darkness is upon us.
The national debt is spiking. Unemployment levels are not shrinking as fast as they need to. The income disparity between the rich and poor is expanding even more rapidly. Truly, it is a time of great crisis in our country.
Do our current political leaders have what it takes to pull us out of this rut? The answer, unfortunately, is no. All of them lack the necessary grit, hard-nosed-ed-ness, determination, and gritty hard-nosed determination to do what it takes to get our nation back under control.
So, what do we do? Do we go quietly into the night? Do we vanish without a fight? Do we fail to live on, survive, and celebrate our [future] Independence Days?
There is an answer.
His name is Nick Punto. He currently bats eighth or sometimes seventh for the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball club. But he needs to be batting leadoff for the United States of America. That's right: we need to elect Nicholas Paul "Shredder" Punto as president for the year 2016.
Now, why Punto? Why not any other baseball player, like one who is larger, stronger, or actually good at baseball? Why? I'll tell you why.
Punto stands for absolutely everybody. He is a switch-hitting utility player who is currently on a mission to play for every team in the league probably.
Punto is the grittiest, guttiest, gamer-i-est, most determined player in the league, even to the point of being detrimental. Evidence of this are his continued slides into first base on potential infield singles. Now, science has proven that this actually makes you get to first base slower. But can science quantify things like "grit" and "determination"? Of course not! It has failed us in the past and will continue to fail us in the future. This is why we need our leaders to stand up to science in a gritty and gutty fashion, because grittily and guttily standing up to our opponents in the face of all rational and logic has never ever failed us in the past ever.
Need more? I'll give you more. Punto embodies the classic American concept of "more is more." (See? Told you I would give you "more.") After victories, many major league players are prone to simply slapping each other on the back and calmly heading back to the clubhouse to prepare for the next game. But not Punto! He rips his teammates' jerseys off in celebration of wins, and even has been to cannonball into losing teams' swimming pools before peeing in them probably. That's the kind of excess that America needs to exhibit if it ever wants to become a superpower again.
But the most endearing quality about Punto, that makes him the only real candidate for the presidency in the year 2016?
His daughter's name is Nicole Punto.
He named his own daughter Nic Punto!
If that's not reminiscent of the kind of pride that every American should show, I don't know what is. So tear up your write-in votes for any other candidate and look to the Los Angeles Dodgers (and probably soon some other team since he likely won't even be offered arbitration) for your presidential candidate three years from now. He'll turn that 1.7 trillion debt into a 1.7-trillion surplus, and do so while getting dirt all over his fucking suit.